Bianca's blog

My story

Sat, 13 Nov 2021 09:12:35 GMT

Why I do what I do — and why that makes a difference for you

It was a perfect day.

Private spa, four-star hotel, snow-covered mountains outside the window. The sauna at exactly the right temperature, the whirlpool bubbling, the champagne ice-cold. Fresh fruit. My husband beside me — this charismatic, humorous, loyal man I loved. Our children were well looked after. We had deliberately given ourselves this day.

That was the moment when I had everything.

And I felt... nothing. Not indifference. Not sadness. Simply nothing. As if moving through thick honey. Every gesture perceived, every image is beautiful, but just in theory. But none of it reaches you, you don't feel it. You are present and at the same time miles away. I remember the exact thought: “I should be happy right now. It doesn’t get any better than this.” And in that exact moment I knew: something is fundamentally wrong.

That is called high-functioning depression.

I didn’t have the term back then. I only knew I had to be ungrateful. Broken. A failure who couldn’t even enjoy a perfect day.

How you can deliver for twenty years — and slowly stop existing

I come from Romania, from a German-speaking community. My childhood taught me early: security is something you earn. Mistakes have consequences. Weakness gets exploited.

Those are not bad lessons for a corporate career. For over twenty years I worked in enterprise IT — SAP, Oracle E-Business Suite, Microsoft Dynamics. Supply chain, logistics, global rollouts. I spoke the language of quarterly reports and boardroom presentations. I knew the rhythm of transatlantic flights and project launches in new countries. I was project lead at a global IT corporation — at times a single parent with twins I had moved across borders as toddlers, while running a freelance business on the side and surviving for years on less than four hours of sleep per night.

High performers know how to keep delivering when everything is too much. That is not strength — that is training. And any training without recovery eventually creates damage that no further delivery can compensate for.

My body eventually pulled the handbrake. First the suspicion of cancer — thankfully false — then insomnia, then burnout, then depression. The grotesque part: from the outside everything still looked perfect. I functioned. I delivered. I smiled in the meetings.

But inside I was moving through honey.

The most expensive thing I ever paid for — and what it really cost me

What followed were years of searching. Conventional therapy. Hypnotherapy. Neurofeedback. Bodywork. Retreats. Meditation, yoga, lab tests, nutritional changes, supplements, courses, coaches. Over €38,000 in direct costs — plus eighteen months of being unable to work. Plus a marriage that broke apart. Plus five years in which I was physically present for my children but only half there.

Some of the methods helped. None of them held.

Not because they were bad. But because I was searching without a clear guide. Method after method, each tool in its own silo, none in the right sequence, none connected to what lay underneath. High-functioning depression is not an isolated symptom you simply treat. It is the end of a long chain of dysregulation, old patterns, and a nervous system that has learned to live in permanent alert mode. Anyone who only works on the symptom without understanding the chain stays in the loop.

What finally got me out was a deliberately sequenced combination: RTT and hypnotherapy that go straight into the subconscious — not to endlessly analyse what happened, but to change the neural patterns that keep it alive. Bodywork that stabilises the nervous system first, before any deeper work even makes sense. Nutritional overhaul and targeted supplementation, because burnout in high performers is massively physiological and lives in the body. And for me personally — plant-medicine work that gave me access to myself at an intensity no other method had ever achieved.

The depression did not fade slowly. It stopped — abruptly — once the nervous system and the body had been consistently stabilised. Then came what no one had prepared me for: the pain afterwards. The grief over lost time. The shame. The feeling of waking up from a long dream and seeing how much had broken around me while I was away.

That too belongs to healing. And even for that you need a precise guide.

What puts me in a different category

I am not telling this story to create sympathy. I am telling it because it explains why I can offer you something most therapists and coaches cannot.

I know the world you come from — from the inside. I speak the language of project kick-offs and annual performance reviews. I know exactly what it feels like to be on the third flight of the week and no longer know whether you are exhausted or whether this has simply become the new normal. I know the specific intelligence of people who have learned to turn pain into productivity — and I know their specific blind spot: that this strategy eventually flips and you rarely notice it in time.

I am an RTT therapist and certified hypnotherapist. I also hold coaching and biohacking certifications because I am convinced that sustainable mental health without a stable physiological foundation is built on sand. From my own journey and the work with over 800 people I have developed a clearly sequenced protocol — Stabilize, Illuminate, Embody — that does not start with the symptoms but with the causes, and in the only order that actually works.

That is the difference between someone who knows methods — and someone who knows why which method works at which moment.

Viktor Frankl was right: a “why” can carry you far. But meaning alone does not heal a dysregulated nervous system. Insight alone does not change an unconscious pattern. And willpower — however much of it you bring — is no substitute for a sequence that actually functions.

You already know something is not right. You have the why. What you need is the way.

I know it.

If you want to find out what that means for you concretely — I am here.

Meine Geschichte

Sat, 13 Nov 2021 09:08:25 GMT

Warum ich tue, was ich tue — und warum das für dich einen Unterschied macht

Es war ein wunderschöner Tag.

Privater Spa, Vier-Sterne-Hotel, verschneite Berge vor dem Fenster. Die Sauna genau auf der perfekten Temperatur, der Whirlpool sprudelte, der Sekt war kalt. Frisches Obst, mein Mann neben mir — dieser charismatische, humorvolle, loyale Mann, den ich liebte. Unsere Kinder waren gut versorgt. Wir hatten uns diesen Tag bewusst gegönnt.

Das war der Moment, in dem ich alles hatte.

Und ich fühlte — nichts. Nicht Gleichgültigkeit. Nicht Traurigkeit. Einfach nichts. Als würde man sich durch zähflüssigen Honig bewegen. Jede Geste kommt an, jedes Bild ist schön, theoretisch. Aber es erreicht einen nicht. Man ist anwesend und gleichzeitig meilenweit entfernt. Ich erinnere mich genau an den Gedanken: „Ich müsste jetzt glücklich sein. Besser wird’s doch nicht.“ Und genau in diesem Moment wusste ich: Etwas ist fundamental nicht in Ordnung.

Das nennt sich hochfunktionale Depression. Ich kannte den Begriff damals noch nicht. Ich wusste nur, dass ich undankbar sein musste. Kaputt. Eine Versagerin, die nicht einmal einen perfekten Tag genießen konnte.

Wie man zwanzig Jahre liefert — und dabei langsam aufhört zu existieren

Ich komme aus Rumänien, aus einer deutschsprachigen Gemeinschaft. Meine Kindheit hat mich früh gelehrt: Sicherheit verdient man sich. Fehler haben Konsequenzen. Schwäche wird ausgenutzt.

Das sind keine schlechten Lektionen für eine Karriere in der Unternehmenswelt. Über zwanzig Jahre habe ich in der Enterprise-IT gearbeitet — SAP, Oracle E-Business Suite, Microsoft Dynamics. Supply Chain, Logistik, globale Rollouts. Ich sprach die Sprache von Quartalsberichten und Boardroom-Präsentationen, kannte den Rhythmus von transatlantischen Flügen und Projektstarts in neuen Ländern. Ich war Projektleiterin bei einem globalen IT-Konzern — zeitweise alleinerziehend mit Zwillingen, die ich als Kleinkinder über die Grenze gezogen hatte, nebenher freiberuflich, jahrelang mit weniger als vier Stunden Schlaf pro Nacht.

Hochleister wissen, wie man weiterliefert, wenn alles zu viel wird. Das ist keine Stärke — das ist antrainiert. Und jedes Training ohne Regeneration führt irgendwann zu einem Schaden, den kein weiteres Liefern mehr ausgleicht.

Mein Körper zog irgendwann die Handbremse. Zuerst der Verdacht auf Krebs — zum Glück falsch. Dann Insomnie. Dann Burnout. Dann Depression. Das Groteske daran: Von außen sah alles weiterhin perfekt aus. Ich funktionierte. Ich lieferte. Ich lächelte in den Meetings.

Aber innerlich bewegte ich mich durch Honig.

Das Teuerste, was ich je bezahlt habe — und was es mich wirklich gekostet hat

Danach kamen Jahre des Suchens. Klassische Therapie. Hypnotherapie. Neurofeedback. Körperarbeit. Retreats. Meditation, Yoga, Labortests, Ernährungsumstellungen, Nahrungsergänzungsmittel, Kurse, Coaches. Insgesamt über 38.000 Euro direkte Kosten — plus achtzehn Monate Arbeitsunfähigkeit. Plus eine Ehe, die zerbrach. Plus fünf Jahre, in denen ich physisch zwar bei meinen Kindern war, aber nur mit halber Präsenz.

Einige Methoden halfen. Keine hielt.

Nicht weil sie schlecht waren. Sondern weil ich ohne klaren Wegweiser suchte. Methode nach Methode, jedes Tool in seinem eigenen Silo, keine in der richtigen Reihenfolge, keine verbunden mit dem, was darunter lag. Hochfunktionale Depression ist kein isoliertes Symptom, das man einfach behandelt. Sie ist das Ende einer langen Kette aus Dysregulation, alten Mustern und einem Nervensystem, das gelernt hat, permanent in Alarmbereitschaft zu leben. Wer nur am Symptom arbeitet, ohne die Kette zu verstehen, dreht sich im Kreis.

Was mich schließlich wirklich herausgeholt hat, war eine bewusst sequenzierte Kombination: RTT und Hypnotherapie, die direkt ins Unterbewusste gehen — nicht um endlos zu analysieren, was passiert ist, sondern um die neuronalen Muster zu verändern, die das Ganze aufrechterhalten. Körperarbeit, die das Nervensystem zuerst stabilisiert, bevor tiefere Arbeit überhaupt sinnvoll ist. Ernährungsumstellung und gezielte Nahrungsergänzung, weil Burnout bei Hochleistern auch massiv physiologisch ist und im Körper seinen Sitz hat. Und für mich persönlich — Pflanzenmedizin, die mir in einer Intensität Zugang zu mir selbst ermöglichte, den keine andere Methode erreicht hatte.

Die Depression verschwand nicht langsam. Sie hörte auf — schlagartig, nachdem das Nervensystem und der Körper konsequent stabilisiert waren. Dann kam das, worauf mich niemand vorbereitet hatte: der Schmerz danach. Die Trauer über die verlorene Zeit. Die Scham. Das Gefühl, aus einem langen Traum aufzuwachen und zu sehen, was alles zerbrochen war.

Auch das gehört zur Heilung. Und auch dafür braucht es einen präzisen Wegweiser.

Was mich in eine andere Kategorie setzt

Ich erzähle diese Geschichte nicht, um Mitgefühl zu erzeugen. Ich erzähle sie, weil sie erklärt, warum ich dir etwas anbieten kann, das die meisten Therapeuten und Coaches nicht können.

Ich kenne die Welt, aus der du kommst — von innen. Ich spreche die Sprache von Projektstarts und Jahreszielgesprächen. Ich weiß, wie es sich anfühlt, im dritten Flug der Woche zu sitzen und nicht mehr zu unterscheiden, ob man erschöpft ist oder ob das inzwischen der Normalzustand ist. Ich kenne die spezifische Intelligenz von Menschen, die gelernt haben, Schmerz in Produktivität zu übersetzen — und ich kenne ihre spezifische Blindstelle: dass diese Strategie irgendwann kippt und man es selten rechtzeitig merkt.

Ich bin RTT-Therapeutin und zertifizierte Hypnotherapeutin. Ich habe zusätzlich Coaching- und Biohacking-Zertifizierungen gemacht, weil nachhaltige mentale Gesundheit ohne stabile physiologische Basis auf Sand gebaut ist. Aus meiner eigenen Reise und der Arbeit mit über 800 Menschen habe ich ein klar sequenziertes Protokoll entwickelt — Stabilize, Illuminate, Embody —, das nicht bei den Symptomen ansetzt, sondern bei den Ursachen, und zwar in der einzig richtigen Reihenfolge.

Das ist der Unterschied zwischen jemandem, der Methoden kennt — und jemandem, der weiß, warum welche Methode zu welchem Zeitpunkt greift.

Viktor Frankl hatte recht: Ein Warum trägt einen weit. Aber Sinn allein heilt kein dereguliertes Nervensystem. Einsicht allein verändert kein unbewusstes Muster. Und Willenskraft — so viel du auch mitbringst — ist kein Ersatz für eine Sequenz, die tatsächlich funktioniert.

Du weißt bereits, dass etwas nicht stimmt. Du hast das Warum. Was du brauchst, ist der Weg.

Ich kenne ihn.

Wenn du herausfinden möchtest, was das konkret für dich bedeutet — ich bin hier.

ACE - adverse childhood experiences

Fri, 12 Nov 2021 13:46:34 GMT

How our childhood affects our mental and physical health

A study done by the CDC in the late '90s shows that there is a direct correlation between negative experiences in childhood and later health issues, both mental and physical. Also ACE has been linked to premature death. It was also shown that these experiences change the physiology of the brain.

So what does that mean in lay terms? It simply means that the worse your childhood was, the more you are likely to struggle in life with things like:

Anxiety
Depression
Autoimmune disorders (like asma, eczema, allergies, cancer, MS, ALS...)
High stress levels
Addiction (alcoholism, smoking, drugs, sex, work, gambling, shopping...)
Rumination, circeling thoughts
Week immune system
Insomnia
etc.

So if you suffer from any of these, first of know it is not your fault. Second know that it is not a life sentense . Yes, you heard me right, you can recover from any of these. Some might be more difficult and might require a lot of time and effort, but all of these are completely reversible. It's not me saying that, it's countless studies and cases that were documented. (Please also refer to the work of Dr. Gabor Mate and Dr. Joe Dispenza. You can find a ton of good information on YouTube.)

So why then is not everybody doing this healing work? Well, in my view there are two aspects here.

The one is that we were brainwashed into thinking that only a medical doctor can help us and when they reach the limit of their posibillities, it's done. That's it, game over. I have the utmost repect for western medicine, but it does have it's limitations, because it is not looking at a human as a whole, as a system. It separates the mind from the body, the human from it's environment and regards every organ seperately.
Second, the moment we realize we have the power to heal, that kind of empowerment can be very frightening. Because in this case we ourselfs are reponsable for our healing, not a doctor, not God, not any outside force. We need to switch from the vitctim to the powerful being that we are and that scary. Because then we can not blame and complain anymore, but have to do the work. I've been there, I know what I'm talking about.

The participants of the ACE study would answer the following 10 questions and would get a point for each question answered affirmatively. The higher the score, the greater the possibility of negative consequences in adults.

The questions are as follows:

1. Did a parent or other adult in the household often or very often... Swear at you, insult you, put you down, or humiliate you? Or act in a way that made you afraid that you might be physically hurt?

2. Did a parent or other adult in the household often or very often... Push, grab, slap, or throw something at you? Or Ever hit you so hard that you had marks or were injured?

3. Did an adult or person at least 5 years older than you ever... Touch or fondle you or have you touch their body in a sexual way? Or Attempt or actually have oral, anal, or vaginal intercourse with you?

4. Did you often or very often feel that ... No one in your family loved you or thought you were important or special? Or Your family didn't look out for each other, feel close to each other, or support each other?

5. Did you often or very often feel that ... You didn't have enough to eat, had to wear dirty clothes, and had no one to protect you? Or Your parents were too drunk or high to take care of you or take you to the doctor if you needed it?

6. Were your parents ever separated or divorced?

7. Was your parent or caretaker: Often or very often pushed, grabbed, slapped, or had something thrown at her? Or Sometimes, often, or very often kicked, bitten, hit with a fist, or hit with something hard? Or Ever repeatedly hit over at least a few minutes or threatened with a gun or knife?

8. Did you live with anyone who was a problem drinker or alcoholic, or who used street drugs?

9. Was a household member depressed or mentally ill, or did a household member attempt suicide?

10. Did a household member go to prison?

So, what's your score? How do you think these childhood experiences affected you?

Whatever it is, just know that it can be healed, so the negative effects on you just stop.